So you’re thinking about suicide?
Thinking about how, if you killed yourself, nobody would care? Think again. If you kill yourself you will change somebody’s world. That’s right. They will see everything differently. Just hearing your name will burn their mind with memories. They won’t be able to go near where you lived, even your town will hold memories. Listening to the radio, they’ll hear that song, remember, that song you sang with them once? They’ll step past your locker every day and wonder why you are not there. Why are you not there? Do you want to be responsible for your family members, the people who love you, crying every night? For your sister’s or brother’s losing part of who they are? Your suicide is going to effect most deeply those who care about you most. That’s not right. One of your friends may break down, and just like you, their world will be dark. The pain you are in is awful, but why pass it on to hundreds of people around you, when you could try your hardest to work through it? Your family will be paranoid. Suddenly everyone will be talking about them. Do you want to be known as “the kid who killed themself?” People you never knew will be crying when they hear what you’ve done. Yes, they will be effected. Everyone around you will stop and think, “Was there something I could have done?” Suddenly the people of your world are dying with guilt. All those little hints you gave, they’ll remember them. Oh yes, and it will torture them all the time. Your friends will think of suicide. Your closest friends are likely to go into a depression like the one that claimed your life. How will they cope without you? This will break them, for the rest of their lives. And let’s not forget the people who will plan your funeral. Your closest friends and family picking out songs for you, photos of you. Crying all the night before, and all the day of your funeral. And all the night after. In fact, they will cry now more than you ever did. Could they have saved you? They’ll be angry. Oh yes. Why didn’t you tell them? They loved you. And now it’s too late. They’ll be angry with you because they know, they know you could have gotten through it. Then they’ll be angry with themselves because they may have been able to save you if only they knew. And one day, one day years from now, they’ll remember you. They will all still remember you. The girl that sat up the front of your class; she’ll remember you. The bus driver you saw every morning; he’ll remember you. That little girl you sat with on the bus once, The kid you lent money to at the shop, all your siblings friends, the people that you don’t see, but that see you everyday they will all remember you. And every single one of them will wonder; why? But imagine your family. You are part of them. Without you, something is missing. If you killed yourself, then part of them dies, too. They are incomplete. Every family gathering will be missing something. The photos on the wall are suddenly all cold reminders of what you did. Who goes through your bedroom? Who cleans out your locker? Who calls the school to tell them one of their students has died? Who tells the students? Who calls the funeral directors? Who arranges a coffin for you? Who calls your best friend to tell them you’re dead?? Who finds you? Please, there are other ways out. I know sometimes the struggle is very, very hard. But it’s not worth giving up on life. Life is all we have, life is everything. Its the beautiful moments, and the sad ones. Please, don’t give up on all those around you. You can make it through. My teacher said this about her father, who committed suicide, “I understand that the pain is overwhelming, but I will never forgive him for the pain he has caused others. It was just selfish. If you kill yourself you spread the suffering among thousands of people. It doesn’t only affect those around you but everyone who has ever come in contact with you.” Please, keep fighting. You can get through this and see that there is life after what you’re facing now. It may be hard, but you’ll get there, and when you do you will appreciate it so much more. I understand that most people know that suicide effects others, but please keep this in mind if you’re ever feeling so low. Give people the chance to help you.
*crying* this is true. Been there done that. If anyone needs help, I’m here. I’ve been on the worst and best sides of the spectrum. It DOES get better.
FUCK RELIGION
I’m going to:
1. Drink
2. Smoke Weed
3. Spend time with my babi
4. Get through school
5. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY MOTHER’S HOUSE
6. Get a place
7. Have babies after I develop my career
AND…
Any of you that don’t like this plan can GO FUCK YOURSELVES. I don’t give a goddamn. I’m non-religious motherfucker, and I have NO RULES. So have fun being good while I party it up and have fun.
…….
I feel drained of my optimism and strength. I just want to crawl into a hole and die. There’s no place for me to be safe except with him and he’s too far away now. No one likes him but I don’t care. He understands. And no one else does at this point. My mother hates me,
I have come to realize…
That I don’t GIVE A FUCK.
Mom: I was ready to beat your ass!
Me: You really should have.
Mom: But No, because I would have killed you.
Me: Yeah you should have. (On the inside: it would feel much better than being belittled all the time.)
Mom: Why do you say that?
Me: Because I really don’t fucking care. Maybe that’s my problem.
Mom: I told you that attitude is okay, only to an extent.
Me: Well I don’t. I cared too much and now I just don’t care anymore.
My Week has been fucking lovely.
First I’m fine all week and my mom gets all pissed off and shit because I had sex with my boyfriend…again. And then she snoops through my fucking facebook and finds old fucking messages about supernatural shit and moving out. This conversation being with a couple she’s not quite but kinda comfortable with that I know. She flipped her fucking shit and talks to everybody BUT me about these problems with me and makes it seem as if I’m fucking schizo. Gotta love that. She’s going around fucking telling people I hear voices when that’s not the case. I don’t give a fuck about not being able to talk to people but if you are gonna get all fucking buck and talk shit about me at least say it to my face first. Then when discussing this problem she’s tells me that i’m one of the smartest people but I make retarded fucking decisions. WOW. Thanks mom I feel really good about myself now. THEN she makes me go to the doctor to be on birth control and gets all pissy because the doctor talked to me and not her. Fuck you, you fucking bitch. I’m sixteen now, I can clearly make my own health decisions and talk to my doctor like an adult. Especially when it regards my lady bits. Not your problem ma. Aside from that point though, she keeps talking shit about me in front of me, now. OH and before that the day that I was still mad at her I put a hole through my fucking bedroom wall. God I can’t wait till I’m fucking 18. She needs to stop sheltering me. And how the fuck are you going to sit there and smoke weed with your kid but she can’t do anything else? She already fucking knows that I drink and smoke, that I’m non-religious and that I have sex. I’m doing SO BAD though. Believe me I could be doing a lot fucking worse and really, there’s no reason for her to bitch at me now. She’s just trying to be a mom too late in the game. And I don’t fucking appreciate it. And I’m tired of her trying to find a replacement father for me, just because someone cares and loves about me like a father would doesn’t mean I asked for it or that I wanted it.
So I’m not a witch?
Well wtf then? what the hell am I? a fallen angel? and demi-goddess made by the gods that want to torture me every lifetime that i have? A superhuman? A seer? WTF AM I?! I don’t know what I am anymore but I am damn sure not human. I can already tell. But this needs to be fixed. I can’t go on not knowing what in the hell that I am. Any supernatural believers/practitioners out there help? Please?
